i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
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Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
it’s the silliest best thing
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Does it…does it take 3 days
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.