*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
You Might Also Like
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
mathematically impossible
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen