[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
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Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.