Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
You Might Also Like
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
This could be us, but you weedin’.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything