I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
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Godzilla was the first house flipper.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
me hitting on a model
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.