12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
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*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*