The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
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the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them