Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
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If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Every time.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
[INFOMERCIAL]
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel