UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
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Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’