I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
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if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!