Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
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Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Candles never taste the way they smell
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.