I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
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I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Worth the read.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Don’t talk down to me
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history