A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
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Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad