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If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Who does Amazon think I am?
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
God making man in his image was the original selfie
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.