last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
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Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Single and childfree like Jesus
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?