whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
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13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Thrilling chase underway
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?