You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
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How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..