[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
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No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute