My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
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the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.