No one :
Me when I swimming :
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My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]