You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
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wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Breaking news:
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
jesus, what did this guy do
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx