Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
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Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
where’s Godzilla when we need him
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.