My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
You Might Also Like
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!