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I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I bet birds love this building.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”