I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
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[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.