Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
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Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!