If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
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My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
sir, my pâté if you please
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”