Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
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My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
<- sleeps well with others
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.