All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
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[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
🤣😂
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not