Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
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I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
yeet
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Coffee is ready.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!