Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
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I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Something Saturday.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?