Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
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smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.