Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
You Might Also Like
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.