ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
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DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.