‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
You Might Also Like
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Cat.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
He a real one for that
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.