I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
You Might Also Like
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.