My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
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Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]