[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
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No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
wow
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented