The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
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Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I used to be married, but I’m better now
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.