inappropriate Care Bears be like:
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ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
*3.5 thank you very much.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Why font matters.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-