*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
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[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Facebook memories be like
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Seems kinda suspicious
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.