Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
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Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
the answer was staring at me all along
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust