The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
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I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”