Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
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Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
two people or more is called a problem
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.