“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
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Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
This kid is a star!
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.