yea so i messed up lol
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if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
When I can’t barge, I careen.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.