Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
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It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Facebook Twitter
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch