Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
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ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
He just like my cat fr
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.