Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
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What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
#Caturday
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?