“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
You Might Also Like
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Happy thanksgiving
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
This rocks
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*